I couldn’t stop thinking about us again.
Memories of the past have been plaguing me that I cannot bring myself to focus on the new things that matter. They randomly visit me at any given time and I’d just stay frozen as I watch them unfold before my very eyes, oblivious to the fact that tears were now streaming down my cheeks, unstopping; draining my soul, breaking my heart.
I couldn’t shake the images of us laughing together, smiling at one another, being in each other’s arms, breathing life and living it the way it should be.
What happened to us? Somewhere in between, just along the lines of promises and forevers, we slipped; hands and legs untangled. Somewhere in between, we gave up on us. Somewhere there, we lost it.
I’m tired of thinking. I’m tired of missing. It’s over. I’m done.
I would let this all go. I would move forward. But tonight, oh tonight, please let me bury in the hallow emptiness I’m feeling. Tonight, let me wallow in the pain. Tonight, let me linger in the memories one last time.
Tonight, let my pillow absorb my tears. And then tomorrow, I am no more.
I thought I had it.
You know that feeling? That sinking feeling when you thought you were on top of the world? That you’re on cloud nine and you’d give everything just to stay that way?
Yeah, I’m sure you do. I bet you’ve even felt it more than once in your life. But how do they always end up? Do they always end up the way you want them to be?
Wouldn’t it be better for it not to end? To continue floating like that forever?
For once in my life, I actually thought I was going to nail it. I was keeping my fingers crossed for something that I actually wanted to achieve.
I almost did.
I thought it was within my grasps. But I was wrong.
I’m always wrong. I know that expectations give birth to disappointments. But I couldn’t help it. What I’ve learned through all the years is to embrace the unexpected, yet I am usually left down. I don’t know why I expect too much.
The music is blaring. I’m losing my senses by the minute. I cannot concentrate. I cannot feel. How does one face this music?
I talked to you again today.
How happy I was that we did. I truly love how our conversations go. You’re so insightful. And I become reflective. There’s life in what we discuss. And that’s why I look forward every day.
We may not agree in every little detail but we tend to meet halfway. We have our differences but I’m glad we settle it. I can’t imagine not talking to you about whatever there is. I feel void and incomplete if I can’t.
And then I stop.
If I could just tell you what you mean to me. That every time we talk, I am falling more and more. Falling into this deep abyss such as love. If only you’d realize then, the way my eyes light up when I hear your voice, the way my mood lightens when you start to notice me.
But the problem is, you don’t.
And I don’t want to change anything there is between us.
So I’m left with the option of continuing our conversation.
I can’t wait to talk to you again. Tomorrow, perhaps?
Once upon a time.
I still remember how I was dressed in glittery ballet costumes, dancing and not having a care in the world. I was eating a strawberry ice cream from the cone without really minding the mess I have made. I was singing songs from the most cliche nursery rhymes and to the upbeat pop ones. I was a kid back then, which the hardest decision that I would ever make is what crayon I should use in order to finish my work of art. I walked around, stumbled and fell, and just laughed it off without even knowing that I already bruised myself.
Things change. Time passes.
Next thing I knew, I am already headed off to a new foreign land which I need time adjusting in. My rainbow and family drawings seem to fade and are replaced with forms and forms to fill up. I’m faced with the dilemma of making tough decisions about the future, decisions which would affect the course I’m taking, decisions that would define what is beyond.
One wrong move, and you’re out.
The bruises would be very visible and the pain would be very raw. It is so different.
Why do we need to even grow up?
Can’t we be like Peter Pan and trap ourselves in our own Neverland? Can’t we have some of that pixie dust and sprinkle ourselves in it? Can’t we just roam freely and fly like the eagles? Soar high until wherever takes us?
Well, it’s not like we’re given a choice, right?
Those don’t exist. Why cling into something that would never happen?
Sigh. Fantasy realm is taking me again. Slap me.
Reality hurts. But I have to embrace it.
And today, I officially accept that things would never be the same.
The tides would now turn.
I would steer into a different direction and they would too. As I face the foreign territory that would take course in the upcoming months, I wouldn’t have that familiar warmth beside me, telling me that everything’s going to be okay. I would meet different people, people who might be my ally or my enemy. Some might linger for a little while and others might stay permanently. But deep inside me, I know that they would never compare to what you and I shared. They could never replace the bond we diligently built through our years together.
Because you’re irreplaceable.
You’ll always be in my heart.
Even when I swim the new uncharted waters and encounter hundreds of teeming iridescent fishes. Even when I discover my Atlantis.
You’ll always be in my heart.
I’ll have our memories together, tightly locked inside this heart of mine. They would bound us together and would keep our love alive. And in time, we will be back in each other’s arms.
Don’t forget me.
I’ll miss you.
But now, watch over me as I dive into new uncharted waters.
It’s ironic how life sometimes wants you dead.
Isn’t it supposed to let you live? Wont it grace you the joy of basking its entirety?
What’s it doing now? Why does it want me to pull the trigger on my head?
My head’s pounding. My heart is racing. The sweat is formed in my forehead, trickling down my cheeks.
I rose to my feet and walk towards it, gleaming under the lone light draped in the ceiling. It’s calling me. I approach it with trembling hands.
Bang. Here’s to the broken hopes.
Bang. Here’s to the shattered memories.
After the second shot, I feel myself slowly slipping away into oblivion. My mind’s fighting. But my heart’s rejecting.
Then everything stops.
Fade to black.